It has become an obvious note of some concern that we in the South Florida community are rapidly running out of unacceptable solutions to the Marlins stadium dilemma.
A sad day it is when the news media must annoint the solid-dome of Mr. Huizenga as the producer of the Marlins front-office's last remaining opportunity to reject some quasi-reasonable concept as 'unworkable'. (Nevertheless his selfless and courageous attempt to save our franchise by undoubtedly designing and constructing some continuously-flowing money-stream to himself should not go unrecognized.)
It is, unfortunately, the sight of our brave young team president having to scooter himself across the continent, trying manfully to discover somewhere, somehow, some new impossible-to-agree-to conditions that he can ultimately dismiss out of hand, which is a vision that should irk the ire of every red-blooded true-blue Miamian that lives wherever the hell Miamians live these days.
Right here in this town WE have the technology, manpower, and especially the in-bred ability instilled through decades of ozone-less sunshine to come up with buckets- and oceans-full of Unacceptable Options (or Un-Op's, as in 'Un-Ops per Off-Season', or 'Un-Op-Offs'), enough of them to make Mr. Samson's heart giddy with glee (or Gliddy).
Permit me to gather up and present a few of my own suggestions (yes, I know they are works of genius, but in times of crisis I must think of others)...
*Un-Op 1 - Build a solid-dome park next door to H. Wayne Hstadium. When it rains the team can play inside the dome, and when it's sunny the team can still play in the dome because it's too damn hot. If non-retractability is a problem, don't worry - after the first few weeks of hurricanes it'll retract plenty. Then we could call it Blue Tarp Park.
*Un-Op 2 - Reject the idea of a stadium completely, and just have the fans pay for tickets to watch the games on TV. Face it, it's where almost everyone would rather watch the game anyway. They could tier the prices - enormous for a HD plasma with a BarcoLounger, reasonable for a 5" B&W at the kitchen table. The teams could play in secret locations in the swamp decided at the last minute by radar and infrared so that no one would be able to mistakenly view a game in person. As a good-will gesture the Marlins could bring in Joe Arriola to simulate crowd noise.
*Un-Op 3 - Instead of just inviting Joe, how about stretching him across the open top of Good Ol' Underwear Stadium? Then we'll get both hurricane protection and crowd noise (we'll need a lot of both anyways).
*Un-Op 4 - The team could play so, so, very badly that the Marlins could convince Portland, Vegas, San Antonio, San Juan, Monterrey, Jersey, Charlotte, et. al., to pay the team money to NOT move to their towns. (Wait a minute, I think I've just discovered the Master Plan.)
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